Wolf
Before talking positives, I present exhibit B: Whale Wars on Discovery Channel. This show sucks. It follows a group of sea-hippie fake-pirates who "attack" Japanese whaling ships which kill whales. While this may sound like a pretty interesting concept and it makes for some compelling commercials, Discovery overlooks a key fact. The sea-hippies, being worthless hippies, are worthless. After 45 minutes of being strung along by these worthless greenpeaces, a whaling ship is approached only to have stinkbombs thrown at it. After replaying the footage several times to make sure I had seriously been struck with this amount of pussy, I finally faced the truth that the height of these worthless-hippies' rebellion was throwing stuff that would be difficult to clean up.
What does this have to do with pirates?
I'm glad I asked. Well, I present you a scenario in which the American government pays somalian pirates to help the whales. Well I kinda just blew all the suspense right there because that's about it, but let me explain to you exactly why this is the perfect idea.
Here are a few scenarios:
1) Somalian pirates win. No more inhumane whale killing by those pesky Japanese. No one suffers from the terrors of "Whale Wars" anymore. The pirates become heroes and recruiting to this promising new career field receives a huge boost. Finally, with the takeover of whaling ships, pirates now sport badass harpoon guns.
2) Somalian pirates wake the sleeping giant of the Japanese whaling industry who realize they own spear cannons and use them to slaughter the pirates in dramatic fashion. In their bloodlust, the Japanese whalers turn their attention to the hippies who committed the classic faux pas of bringing a stinkbomb to a harpoon fight. While this scenario is arguably the worst for whales, as a human I see many advantages. Beyond the obvious (pirates leave this world and go back to our imaginations where they belong), we take care of the sea-hippie pest, and the whales really aren't any worse off than they were to begin with.
As you can tell, there are literally no negatives to this plan of action. Jarrad Quadir and I have even volunteered to videotape this conflict to provide Discovery with new programming that doesn't suck. Also, this would all be done behind the scenes by the CIA and whatnot, so those Americans who lack moral fiber don't have to deal with the knowledge that their government makes such spectacular deals with pirates.
Late night post, not sure how much sense this made. Bottom line: Japanese Whaling Companies vs. Somalian Pirates, NOT worthless hippies. Obama, I hope you're reading because this could be your Cuban Missile Crisis. (Tom Wilson + Jarrad Quadir TM)
Peace.
