Transformers and you

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'"
          -Michael Bay

Somalian Pirates... An Upside

Wolf

Now, I know what you're thinking, irate reader. You're thinking, "NO. There is no upside to the Somalian Pirates because they ruin the minds of our children by existing. If pirates exist in real life, how will our children imagine them?" I assure you, I agree with your sentiment. Pirates existing does not bode well for the imaginations of our little ones. I understand fully that many Americans feel threatened by Somalian pirates and their imagination-ruining reality. But enough about the downside, we all know it's there. Let's talk positives.

Before talking positives, I present exhibit B: Whale Wars on Discovery Channel. This show sucks. It follows a group of sea-hippie fake-pirates who "attack" Japanese whaling ships which kill whales. While this may sound like a pretty interesting concept and it makes for some compelling commercials, Discovery overlooks a key fact. The sea-hippies, being worthless hippies, are worthless. After 45 minutes of being strung along by these worthless greenpeaces, a whaling ship is approached only to have stinkbombs thrown at it. After replaying the footage several times to make sure I had seriously been struck with this amount of pussy, I finally faced the truth that the height of these worthless-hippies' rebellion was throwing stuff that would be difficult to clean up.

What does this have to do with pirates?

I'm glad I asked. Well, I present you a scenario in which the American government pays somalian pirates to help the whales. Well I kinda just blew all the suspense right there because that's about it, but let me explain to you exactly why this is the perfect idea.

Here are a few scenarios:

1) Somalian pirates win. No more inhumane whale killing by those pesky Japanese. No one suffers from the terrors of "Whale Wars" anymore. The pirates become heroes and recruiting to this promising new career field receives a huge boost. Finally, with the takeover of whaling ships, pirates now sport badass harpoon guns.

2) Somalian pirates wake the sleeping giant of the Japanese whaling industry who realize they own spear cannons and use them to slaughter the pirates in dramatic fashion. In their bloodlust, the Japanese whalers turn their attention to the hippies who committed the classic faux pas of bringing a stinkbomb to a harpoon fight. While this scenario is arguably the worst for whales, as a human I see many advantages. Beyond the obvious (pirates leave this world and go back to our imaginations where they belong), we take care of the sea-hippie pest, and the whales really aren't any worse off than they were to begin with.

As you can tell, there are literally no negatives to this plan of action. Jarrad Quadir and I have even volunteered to videotape this conflict to provide Discovery with new programming that doesn't suck. Also, this would all be done behind the scenes by the CIA and whatnot, so those Americans who lack moral fiber don't have to deal with the knowledge that their government makes such spectacular deals with pirates.

Late night post, not sure how much sense this made. Bottom line: Japanese Whaling Companies vs. Somalian Pirates, NOT worthless hippies. Obama, I hope you're reading because this could be your Cuban Missile Crisis. (Tom Wilson + Jarrad Quadir TM)

Peace.

Summer of Stache Video Series: Drop the Beat

Lion

College students. 3 AM. What comes to mind?

Stomach percussion? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

Filmed by the talented Mr. Bill Ambrogio, Three Conchords Inc. proudly presents the first installment of the Summer of Stache Video Series: Drop the Beat. Enjoy.

Battle of the Heroes or Duel of the Fates?

Gorilla: It is common knowledge that Star Wars is the greatest cinematographic achievement of all time. One key feature for the success of the saga is the powerful and stunning music birthed from John William's wonderous noggin. The astounding music was prevelant throughout the first three installments, but in the new additions, John Williams really stepped it up. Two of Williams' accomplishments in the newer trilogy are atop my list of the best Star Wars songs, however, I can't decide which is better. The first mindblowing tune roared during the battle between our Jedi heroes, Qui Gon Jin and Obi Wan Kenobi, and the double lightsaber wielding sith, Darth Maul. This song is, of course, Duel of the Fates from Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Duel of the Fates reigned supreme for six years until Revenge of the Sith was released in May of 2005. Revenge of the Sith concluded with the ever so epic battle between Obi Wan and Anakin. The song that sang the tragic and mournful tune during this fight was Battle of the Heroes. Battle of the Heroes amazingly croons the several emotions of the turmoil that is spilling throughout the galaxy.
Both of the songs (Duel of the Fates/ Battle of the Heroes) are tremendous accomplishments and are currently tied for the best Star Wars compositions. Please share your opinion on which should be number 1.

Summer of Stache T-Shirt

Gorilla:  Hello good fans of the 3CI blog.  As you may know, this upcoming summer will be the "Summer of Stache".  In honor of this historic celebration, we are considering producing t-shirts of the design below.  Please let us know if you are interested so we can get a good estimate of the number of shirts we should have our sweatshops produce.  Thank you.

Funniest Blog On the Web....

Lion

...No, it's not us.  We need to break our record of more than 6 people online at once before we claim that title.

But I've been a longtime reader of Stereogum, a great blog to check out if you are looking for new music.  They have a sister site named Videogum, in which the writers post ridiculous videos from around the web that make you shit your pants.

One of the funniest things I have seen in the blog circuit in quite some time is Videogum's "Hunt for the Worst Movie Of All Time."  They review some of the more recognizable movies from our lifetime, and basically rip them new assholes.  Some of these movies you may love, some you may already hate, but undoubtedly the writer of these reviews will make any movie seem like a ludicrous idea to begin with.  Take, for instance, Gabe's brief yet hilarious synopsis of Spielberg's "A.I." film...

"A.I. takes place in the near future, and is about a little boy robot who is programmed to love. His mom/owner is this lady whose real son is sick and so her husband buys her a robot son to keep her company because he's ALL HEART. At first she doesn't know if she likes this robot, but then she decides to like him for no reason, so she "imprints" him, which means that for all of eternity he will love her and she will be his sweet mommy bear. Then one day her real son gets better and comes home and he hates the robot. The husband also hates the robot even though he bought him. Eventually, they decide to send the robot back to CyberCorp to be destroyed, but the mom doesn't have the heart to do it so she takes the robot out into the woods and leaves him there, because of how thoughtful she is. Then the little boy robot meets a Jude Law sex robot, and they go looking for the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio because otherwise you might forget how heavy-handed this movie uses Pinocchio as a reference. Eventually, the little boy robot and the Jude Law robot visit the abandoned city of Man-hat-tan, which, despite being abandoned and almost completely underwater, also happens to be where the creator of the little boy robot is just hanging out in his oak-paneled office. Sweet! He tells the little boy robot that he's really special, but then the little boy robot sees other little boy robots and realizes he's just a robot and tries to commit robot suicide. Then he drives a policemobile into the ocean and gets trapped at Coney Island and 2000 years later future space alien robots save him from the ice and use some hair to bring his mommy back for one day because this whole thing is fucking ridiculous."


Pure genius...check out www.videogum.com to see other reviews of other ridiculous movies

Re: Re: Epic Silence Breaking Post

Lion

Forgive me, Wolf, I just wasn't sure if we had talked about the moustache plan for this summer season. Certainly your 'stache will the the most potent of all, as has been proven in the past.

And to preview what a dancing man of paradise will look like within a shopping mall, feast your eyes on this...

...except imagine a man instead of a bird

Re: Epic Silence Breaking Post

Wolf

frontnote 1. Does Wolf know of the venture?!?!?! What kind of question is that? That's like asking if Steven Seagal knows about protecting the environment from evildoers. 

frontnote 2. You pretty much read my mind about the updates of stache summer, but I'd just like to throw some specific ideas out there: a video of sorts like the one that one dude did a while back where he like took a picture of himself every day for a year or something like that (see how specific i'm getting?) Possibly extreme stache closeups, possibly entire-face shots to capture the stache in its natural environment, (We'll see) with potential bi-weekly update photos to feed the readers' hunger. I don't know, just spit-balling here. 

frontnote 3. Several unconfirmed reports of Asdrubal no longer wearing beads. This issue needs to be confronted.

sidenote 1 (clarification). I believe the summer will be termed: "Stache Summer" or "Summer of Stache", however it will be kicking off with "Mustache May".

sidenote 2. Dancing man of paradise inside a shopping mall?

Moustache Summer 2009/Lion's Music Recommendations

Lion

Hello loyal readers (?), activity on the blog has been slow as of late...the three lads that proudly make up 3CI have been busy working in academia.  But be assured...this summer the Three Conchords are going to truly show the height of their ambitions and curiosity.  This upcoming holiday, dubbed "Moustache Summer 2009,"will see all sorts of ridiculous attempts at adventure and self-discovery.  It will be marked by a growing of three dirty, stinky, catapillar-like flavor savors a la Dan Corrigan. (If I can handle looking like an adolescent Freddie Mercury whilst attending summer classes and trying to maintain a job.)  (Sidenote 1: Does Wolf know about this plan??) (Sidenote 2: Whilst is a word.)

Several ventures have been discussed within the 3CI entity, and likely only a fraction of those discussed will actually take place (which usually happens).  But, if things go to plan, you can be looking forward to another collaboration with FTM Films on a film project, a dancing man of paradise inside of a shopping mall, a trip to visit our NAFTA partners up North, several video shorts, and frequent updates of how Moustache Summer 2009 is progressing.  (Day by day pictures of my adolescent 'stache?? maybe)

On a less-ambitious-but-still-fking-awesome note, I would like to recommend a few more music artists to check out.

If anyone caught SNL last week, you would've seen 3 performances by the French band Phoenix.  I've heard of them whilst (used it twice!!) circling through my favorite music websites/blogs, but I had never really given them the time of day.  But when I saw their performance, needless to say, I shat myself.  It seriously sounded like a CD recording, and you can be assured it was no Britney lip-sync performance.  I immediately used legal-bending software to download their upcoming album "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix"...but seriously you should consider buying some of this bands material.  Check out the catchy "1901"...




Another band that I stumbled upon is White Rabbits.  Reading about their upcoming album, I found out that one of their previous albums, "Fort Nightly," was good tune after good tune all the way through.  I read this Pitchfork Review, and downloaded the album.  God damn you Pitchfork...you are always right.

"The Plot"



Enjoy.

Brown Bomber

Gorilla: If any of you readers pay attention to the goings on of the celebrity world, you may have heard that Chris Brown recently opened a can all over Rihanna's face.
Let me be the first to say thank you. For too long has Rihanna gotten away with poisoning the radio with crappy song after crappy song. I bet this incident occured after Chris Brown was driving home after a long day of work and the last song of the ride happened to be that horrid tune about an umbrella -ella -ella.
After seing Chris Brown's recent heroics, I suggest that he ends whatever messed up relationship he has with talentless Rihanna and switch hits with Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. I guarantee, one week into that relationship even the first few chords of "Rockstar" will set Chris Brown off on a path of Nickelbashing.
Hopefully

Re: Kid Cudi

Wolf

This seemed more than appropriate as Lion's recent post has moved 3CI into the hip hop world.

Enjoy:

Bacon Shakin'

Gorilla: A popular comedic method is creating a parody of other popular works.  A fine example of this is the scene from the film "Footloose" where Kevin Bacon dances because he is angry.  I first came across a parody of this scene in the final episode of the first season of "Flight of the Conchords" when Bret is kicked out of the band and he goes on an anrgy rampage of fancy footwork.  I understand that the scene from "Footloose" was aslo parodied in the recent film "Hot Rod" with Andy Samberg.  As with all parodies, they are funnier if you are familiar with the original content.  Therefore I traveled great distances to the land of YouTube and watched the infamous scene.  What I saw could have been the most rediculous scene in motion picture history.  Perhaps some of the material in the scene was lost on me because I did not watch the whole movie, but I doubt any previous plot from the movie would validate the things I saw. 
I'm not upset about it, I just think it was rediculous.  Take a look...

It is your birthday.

Thanks to the creation of the birthday calendar alert on facebook, all of us here at Three Conchords Inc. would like to wish a happy birthday to Lion.

Happy Birthday sir!

Kid Cudi-Savior of Cleveland Hip-Hop?

Lion

Cleveland has always been on the wrong end of poverty and burning river jokes, but we do produce some talent every now and then.  We may be desperate to establish our credibility among the other cities of the United States, but maybe one day we'll have to stop hanging on to facts like "A Christmas Story is based in Cleveland!!" and "Halle Berry was born here!!!"

Music-wise, Cleveland is known for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which in all honesty is really a joke considering they will probably vote Nickelback and Puddle of Mudd as members in 2050.  Indie music, my personal favorite, has never really caught on, although we did birth the super-gay-but-straight Kevin Barnes, the lead singer of the glamour loving band of Montreal.

We've had some more success with hip-hop artists, however.  Everyone knows about Bone Thugs, probably some of the only famous people to come out of Cleveland that actually talked about how much they love the city.  Now, some may argue, Cleveland hip-hop is back on the map with the likes of Ray Cash, Chip tha Ripper, and Al Fatz.  Al Fatz, Al Shmatz.  All three of these guys will most likely fall into obscurity along with hundreds of other wanna-be Tupac's and Biggie's.

But a glimmer of hope is on the Cleveland hip hop horizon (alliteration!), with emerging star Kid Cudi (of Shaker Heights) starting to catch fire across the country.  Already Kanye West's protege, Kid Cudi brings a certain swagger about him that is different from other hip hop artists.  Along with Kanye and other midwest rappers, a certain Midwest sound is starting to develop, one that seems much different than that of the East and West coasts.  I guess you can say, right now, Midwest rappers are just enjoying being "different."

Check out Kid Cudi's new video "Day n' Nite" from his forthcoming "Man on the Moon: The Guardians" album:



Oh, and keep in mind: I have really limited knowledge when it comes to rap.  But this dude's fucking tight.

Ring Master David Stern

Gorilla: You've heard about the NBA's corrupt officials.  You've probably seen horrible calls made that appear to favor one team.  I believe this corruption goes all the way to the top with NBA commissioner David Stern.  Last year his dream came true of having the Lakers play the Celtics in the finals.  Both seemed to have been great teams.  And this year both the Lakers and the Celtics sit atop their respective conferences.  Perhaps this is because they are the best teams in the NBA.  However, I feel that this is a product of David Stern molding the NBA into the ultimate money-making extravaganza.  One piece of evidence of the NBA's corruption took place last night in the Dunk Contest. 
There is no doubt in my mind that before the event started the final matchup was already determined.  There is no way that Nate Robinson should have even advanced to the final round.  Sure he is short and he can jump really high, but isn't it more impressive to see a white guy (Rudy Fernandez) dunking.  Fernandez's dunks in the first round were some of the best in the whole competition yet he recieved the lowest scores.  Two of Nate Robinson's dunks were aided by using another person to propell himself upward.  He jumped off of someone's back which is something that people do when they are not tall enough to dunk.  The whole competition was planned out with the whole Superman theme.
This may not seem like much, but I feel that the whole league is being planned out.  The greatest story that could be created at this time is for the Lakers and Celtics to renew their rivalry of old.  I am a Cavs fan and this year we have a fierce team.  However, it is hard to stay optimistic with the shenanigans of the NBA.  I do feel though that LeBron James will win a few championships.....

...with the New York Knicks.  Which is what David Stern would love to see.

BOO

Wolf:

I am no longer going to watch Scrubs.  Once my favorite TV show, ABC's reincarnation of Scrubs has managed to remove everything that I once enjoyed about it.  Where there once was genuine, layered emotionality, ABC forces blunt, childish morals down our throats.  

JD and Elliot getting back together was the one thing about this season that drew my excitement, but if their relationship is gonna be developed in such a shallow way, I would rather it never happened.  The episodes in which JD and Elliot first (and again) date are some of the best in the whole series in the way that they depict the relationship grow and fall apart.  This season?  There's more depth in the West Virginia gene pool... Episode 1 tonight: Elliot misses her man intensely, and states it multiple times in case you missed the part where they're in love this time around. Episode 2: JD and Elliot don't kiss, hug, speak, or see each other.

A show without its main characters is like *______________ without _____________.  If you haven't noticed by now, at least one main character has been missing from each episode this season.  Scrubs crossed the line tonight by airing an episode without the appearance of Zach Braff.  While his voice did appear over Elliot's speaker phone, I can also catch his voice being hilllarious in Cottonelle commercials.

Howie (dude from Little Giants) is the man, however. And should be given his own show.

*Create your own metaphor!

Miss America

Gorilla: Miss Indiana was named Miss America for 2009 on Saturday. I happened to catch a few moments of the program and I made a few observations.
-Mario Lopez (AC Slater from Saved by the Bell) hosted the event. Is there a network on which he does not host a show?
-Miss Ohio never gets out of the first round
-The competition would be more exciting if after the eveningwear portion they did not do the talent portion, but had another round of the swimwear competition
-The segment where the contestants have to answer questions may be the funniest thing on television. It's remarkable how quickly they diverge from the question's topic and start rambling on about some nonsense.
-I found it interesting how no contestants were sporting any sort of facial hair

Anyway, it's a shame that a lot of people most likely did not know about the competition taking place on Saturday. They missed out on a great chance to judge women strictly on looks.

And while we are on the topic...

New Sledding Game

Gorilla: Genuine inspiration and creative ideas are best discovered without planning or anticipation.  My recent recreational invention was one such case.
It all began when I was a child. In my youth I never partook in the game of futbol or as some call it, soccer. Without too much exposure to this activity, I never gained full understanding of the anatomy of a soccer goal. Playing soccer does not really have to do with my recent invention, but the soccer goal does. As the air has recently turned to a harsh chill and the clouds have gently lain a light blanket of snow upon hills across the area, people have grabbed various objects and joined in on the seasonal craze of sledding. Sledding is great for children all over to pretend that they can bring honor and joy to their small island nation of Jamaica. I was particularly excited to get my first sled run of the season. Several other people were already gathered at the large hill so I found myself a spot that nobody had used yet. The spot looked good even though there was a soccer goal at the bottom of the hill. It is the middle of winter and no one had used the goal in a while so there was no net. I lined myself up to go right in the middle of the goal andI took off reaching great speeds as the cool air rushed through my eyelashes. The run was going very smoothly as I reached the bottom of the hill when all of a sudden the soccer goal grows parts that I did not know existed. First, a bar that lay across the bottom of the goal, which was nicely hidden in the snow, launched me headfirst into the cool night. I was only in the air for a split second before my face was torn up in the net that had appeared invisible.
Now, many people would dwell on the fact that a near perfect face had been roughed up, but this gorilla keeps moving forward. Besides the unexpected humiliation and extremely noticible abrasions, the sled ride was a fun experience. I have now decided to turn this action into a new sledding craze. What you do is place a soccer goal backwards at the bottom of a hill. Gain high speeds and pick up you feet and other appendages and head straight for the bar. When you hit the bar you will become a projectile so curl up into a ball and let the soccer net catch you. If done right, no harm should be experienced. It will probably take some practice to perfect this new art so get out there and try it!
On another note: I have always known it to be sledding, but now that I am in a new environment I am hearing people call it sled riding. I propose we make the universal term sledding.

Response to Wolf's Tebow Post

Lion

To add on to the frustration of the constant Tebow-loving going on in the media these days,  I would like to add on that Tim Tebow is constantly portrayed as being a devout Christian who is the son of Christian missionaries and has the moral vigor equal to a celibate nun.  While this could possibly be true, please look at me with a straight face and say that Tim Tebow does not motor boat these knockers with the lust of a teenage boy hooking up with a babysitter:

Seems like there's probably a little different kind of missionary work going on in the Tebow household these days...

Hero Worship

Wolf

The only thing that makes me sicker than watching Florida win the national championship, is listening to the announcers hero worship Tim Tebow while it happens.  Tebow played a good game.  He did not play the greatest game in the history of football and he is not the greatest human being ever to walk to planet.  Yet you really wouldn't know this from watching tonight's broadcast.  Thank god the announcers tonight saw past the facade of a lowly championship game and recognized the contest as the metaphor for today's society that it truly is.  On multiple occasions tonight, Thom Brennaman prefaced a comment with the phrase "we live in a society".  Brennaman was successfully able to blow the game out of proportion while simultaneously professing his desire to blow Tebow by saying, "we live in a society today full of cynics and pessimists and I truly believe that if you spend even twenty minutes with Tim Tebow your outlook on life will be improved."............... I am no longer spelling my name with an "h" because of this asshole.

This same hero-worshipping virus befalls FSN announcers Bob Errey and Paul Steigerwald when they witness the greatness that is Martin Brodeur, or any team of analysts worthy enough to be in the presence  of the USC Trojan best-in-the-history-of-the-universe defense.

Puke.