Lion
Cleveland has always been on the wrong end of poverty and burning river jokes, but we do produce some talent every now and then. We may be desperate to establish our credibility among the other cities of the United States, but maybe one day we'll have to stop hanging on to facts like "A Christmas Story is based in Cleveland!!" and "Halle Berry was born here!!!"
Music-wise, Cleveland is known for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which in all honesty is really a joke considering they will probably vote Nickelback and Puddle of Mudd as members in 2050. Indie music, my personal favorite, has never really caught on, although we did birth the super-gay-but-straight Kevin Barnes, the lead singer of the glamour loving band of Montreal.
We've had some more success with hip-hop artists, however. Everyone knows about Bone Thugs, probably some of the only famous people to come out of Cleveland that actually talked about how much they love the city. Now, some may argue, Cleveland hip-hop is back on the map with the likes of Ray Cash, Chip tha Ripper, and Al Fatz. Al Fatz, Al Shmatz. All three of these guys will most likely fall into obscurity along with hundreds of other wanna-be Tupac's and Biggie's.
But a glimmer of hope is on the Cleveland hip hop horizon (alliteration!), with emerging star Kid Cudi (of Shaker Heights) starting to catch fire across the country. Already Kanye West's protege, Kid Cudi brings a certain swagger about him that is different from other hip hop artists. Along with Kanye and other midwest rappers, a certain Midwest sound is starting to develop, one that seems much different than that of the East and West coasts. I guess you can say, right now, Midwest rappers are just enjoying being "different."
Check out Kid Cudi's new video "Day n' Nite" from his forthcoming "Man on the Moon: The Guardians" album:
Oh, and keep in mind: I have really limited knowledge when it comes to rap. But this dude's fucking tight.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Ring Master David Stern
Gorilla: You've heard about the NBA's corrupt officials. You've probably seen horrible calls made that appear to favor one team. I believe this corruption goes all the way to the top with NBA commissioner David Stern. Last year his dream came true of having the Lakers play the Celtics in the finals. Both seemed to have been great teams. And this year both the Lakers and the Celtics sit atop their respective conferences. Perhaps this is because they are the best teams in the NBA. However, I feel that this is a product of David Stern molding the NBA into the ultimate money-making extravaganza. One piece of evidence of the NBA's corruption took place last night in the Dunk Contest.
There is no doubt in my mind that before the event started the final matchup was already determined. There is no way that Nate Robinson should have even advanced to the final round. Sure he is short and he can jump really high, but isn't it more impressive to see a white guy (Rudy Fernandez) dunking. Fernandez's dunks in the first round were some of the best in the whole competition yet he recieved the lowest scores. Two of Nate Robinson's dunks were aided by using another person to propell himself upward. He jumped off of someone's back which is something that people do when they are not tall enough to dunk. The whole competition was planned out with the whole Superman theme.
This may not seem like much, but I feel that the whole league is being planned out. The greatest story that could be created at this time is for the Lakers and Celtics to renew their rivalry of old. I am a Cavs fan and this year we have a fierce team. However, it is hard to stay optimistic with the shenanigans of the NBA. I do feel though that LeBron James will win a few championships.....
...with the New York Knicks. Which is what David Stern would love to see.
There is no doubt in my mind that before the event started the final matchup was already determined. There is no way that Nate Robinson should have even advanced to the final round. Sure he is short and he can jump really high, but isn't it more impressive to see a white guy (Rudy Fernandez) dunking. Fernandez's dunks in the first round were some of the best in the whole competition yet he recieved the lowest scores. Two of Nate Robinson's dunks were aided by using another person to propell himself upward. He jumped off of someone's back which is something that people do when they are not tall enough to dunk. The whole competition was planned out with the whole Superman theme.
This may not seem like much, but I feel that the whole league is being planned out. The greatest story that could be created at this time is for the Lakers and Celtics to renew their rivalry of old. I am a Cavs fan and this year we have a fierce team. However, it is hard to stay optimistic with the shenanigans of the NBA. I do feel though that LeBron James will win a few championships.....
...with the New York Knicks. Which is what David Stern would love to see.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
BOO
Wolf:
I am no longer going to watch Scrubs. Once my favorite TV show, ABC's reincarnation of Scrubs has managed to remove everything that I once enjoyed about it. Where there once was genuine, layered emotionality, ABC forces blunt, childish morals down our throats. JD and Elliot getting back together was the one thing about this season that drew my excitement, but if their relationship is gonna be developed in such a shallow way, I would rather it never happened. The episodes in which JD and Elliot first (and again) date are some of the best in the whole series in the way that they depict the relationship grow and fall apart. This season? There's more depth in the West Virginia gene pool... Episode 1 tonight: Elliot misses her man intensely, and states it multiple times in case you missed the part where they're in love this time around. Episode 2: JD and Elliot don't kiss, hug, speak, or see each other.
A show without its main characters is like *______________ without _____________. If you haven't noticed by now, at least one main character has been missing from each episode this season. Scrubs crossed the line tonight by airing an episode without the appearance of Zach Braff. While his voice did appear over Elliot's speaker phone, I can also catch his voice being hilllarious in Cottonelle commercials.
Howie (dude from Little Giants) is the man, however. And should be given his own show.
*Create your own metaphor!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Miss America
Gorilla: Miss Indiana was named Miss America for 2009 on Saturday. I happened to catch a few moments of the program and I made a few observations.
-Mario Lopez (AC Slater from Saved by the Bell) hosted the event. Is there a network on which he does not host a show?
-Miss Ohio never gets out of the first round
-The competition would be more exciting if after the eveningwear portion they did not do the talent portion, but had another round of the swimwear competition
-The segment where the contestants have to answer questions may be the funniest thing on television. It's remarkable how quickly they diverge from the question's topic and start rambling on about some nonsense.
-I found it interesting how no contestants were sporting any sort of facial hair
Anyway, it's a shame that a lot of people most likely did not know about the competition taking place on Saturday. They missed out on a great chance to judge women strictly on looks.
And while we are on the topic...
-Mario Lopez (AC Slater from Saved by the Bell) hosted the event. Is there a network on which he does not host a show?
-Miss Ohio never gets out of the first round
-The competition would be more exciting if after the eveningwear portion they did not do the talent portion, but had another round of the swimwear competition
-The segment where the contestants have to answer questions may be the funniest thing on television. It's remarkable how quickly they diverge from the question's topic and start rambling on about some nonsense.
-I found it interesting how no contestants were sporting any sort of facial hair
Anyway, it's a shame that a lot of people most likely did not know about the competition taking place on Saturday. They missed out on a great chance to judge women strictly on looks.
And while we are on the topic...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
New Sledding Game
Gorilla: Genuine inspiration and creative ideas are best discovered without planning or anticipation. My recent recreational invention was one such case.
It all began when I was a child. In my youth I never partook in the game of futbol or as some call it, soccer. Without too much exposure to this activity, I never gained full understanding of the anatomy of a soccer goal. Playing soccer does not really have to do with my recent invention, but the soccer goal does. As the air has recently turned to a harsh chill and the clouds have gently lain a light blanket of snow upon hills across the area, people have grabbed various objects and joined in on the seasonal craze of sledding. Sledding is great for children all over to pretend that they can bring honor and joy to their small island nation of Jamaica. I was particularly excited to get my first sled run of the season. Several other people were already gathered at the large hill so I found myself a spot that nobody had used yet. The spot looked good even though there was a soccer goal at the bottom of the hill. It is the middle of winter and no one had used the goal in a while so there was no net. I lined myself up to go right in the middle of the goal andI took off reaching great speeds as the cool air rushed through my eyelashes. The run was going very smoothly as I reached the bottom of the hill when all of a sudden the soccer goal grows parts that I did not know existed. First, a bar that lay across the bottom of the goal, which was nicely hidden in the snow, launched me headfirst into the cool night. I was only in the air for a split second before my face was torn up in the net that had appeared invisible.
Now, many people would dwell on the fact that a near perfect face had been roughed up, but this gorilla keeps moving forward. Besides the unexpected humiliation and extremely noticible abrasions, the sled ride was a fun experience. I have now decided to turn this action into a new sledding craze. What you do is place a soccer goal backwards at the bottom of a hill. Gain high speeds and pick up you feet and other appendages and head straight for the bar. When you hit the bar you will become a projectile so curl up into a ball and let the soccer net catch you. If done right, no harm should be experienced. It will probably take some practice to perfect this new art so get out there and try it!
On another note: I have always known it to be sledding, but now that I am in a new environment I am hearing people call it sled riding. I propose we make the universal term sledding.
It all began when I was a child. In my youth I never partook in the game of futbol or as some call it, soccer. Without too much exposure to this activity, I never gained full understanding of the anatomy of a soccer goal. Playing soccer does not really have to do with my recent invention, but the soccer goal does. As the air has recently turned to a harsh chill and the clouds have gently lain a light blanket of snow upon hills across the area, people have grabbed various objects and joined in on the seasonal craze of sledding. Sledding is great for children all over to pretend that they can bring honor and joy to their small island nation of Jamaica. I was particularly excited to get my first sled run of the season. Several other people were already gathered at the large hill so I found myself a spot that nobody had used yet. The spot looked good even though there was a soccer goal at the bottom of the hill. It is the middle of winter and no one had used the goal in a while so there was no net. I lined myself up to go right in the middle of the goal andI took off reaching great speeds as the cool air rushed through my eyelashes. The run was going very smoothly as I reached the bottom of the hill when all of a sudden the soccer goal grows parts that I did not know existed. First, a bar that lay across the bottom of the goal, which was nicely hidden in the snow, launched me headfirst into the cool night. I was only in the air for a split second before my face was torn up in the net that had appeared invisible.
Now, many people would dwell on the fact that a near perfect face had been roughed up, but this gorilla keeps moving forward. Besides the unexpected humiliation and extremely noticible abrasions, the sled ride was a fun experience. I have now decided to turn this action into a new sledding craze. What you do is place a soccer goal backwards at the bottom of a hill. Gain high speeds and pick up you feet and other appendages and head straight for the bar. When you hit the bar you will become a projectile so curl up into a ball and let the soccer net catch you. If done right, no harm should be experienced. It will probably take some practice to perfect this new art so get out there and try it!
On another note: I have always known it to be sledding, but now that I am in a new environment I am hearing people call it sled riding. I propose we make the universal term sledding.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Response to Wolf's Tebow Post
Lion
To add on to the frustration of the constant Tebow-loving going on in the media these days, I would like to add on that Tim Tebow is constantly portrayed as being a devout Christian who is the son of Christian missionaries and has the moral vigor equal to a celibate nun. While this could possibly be true, please look at me with a straight face and say that Tim Tebow does not motor boat these knockers with the lust of a teenage boy hooking up with a babysitter:
Seems like there's probably a little different kind of missionary work going on in the Tebow household these days...
To add on to the frustration of the constant Tebow-loving going on in the media these days, I would like to add on that Tim Tebow is constantly portrayed as being a devout Christian who is the son of Christian missionaries and has the moral vigor equal to a celibate nun. While this could possibly be true, please look at me with a straight face and say that Tim Tebow does not motor boat these knockers with the lust of a teenage boy hooking up with a babysitter:
Seems like there's probably a little different kind of missionary work going on in the Tebow household these days...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Hero Worship
Wolf
The only thing that makes me sicker than watching Florida win the national championship, is listening to the announcers hero worship Tim Tebow while it happens. Tebow played a good game. He did not play the greatest game in the history of football and he is not the greatest human being ever to walk to planet. Yet you really wouldn't know this from watching tonight's broadcast. Thank god the announcers tonight saw past the facade of a lowly championship game and recognized the contest as the metaphor for today's society that it truly is. On multiple occasions tonight, Thom Brennaman prefaced a comment with the phrase "we live in a society". Brennaman was successfully able to blow the game out of proportion while simultaneously professing his desire to blow Tebow by saying, "we live in a society today full of cynics and pessimists and I truly believe that if you spend even twenty minutes with Tim Tebow your outlook on life will be improved."............... I am no longer spelling my name with an "h" because of this asshole.
This same hero-worshipping virus befalls FSN announcers Bob Errey and Paul Steigerwald when they witness the greatness that is Martin Brodeur, or any team of analysts worthy enough to be in the presence of the USC Trojan best-in-the-history-of-the-universe defense.
The only thing that makes me sicker than watching Florida win the national championship, is listening to the announcers hero worship Tim Tebow while it happens. Tebow played a good game. He did not play the greatest game in the history of football and he is not the greatest human being ever to walk to planet. Yet you really wouldn't know this from watching tonight's broadcast. Thank god the announcers tonight saw past the facade of a lowly championship game and recognized the contest as the metaphor for today's society that it truly is. On multiple occasions tonight, Thom Brennaman prefaced a comment with the phrase "we live in a society". Brennaman was successfully able to blow the game out of proportion while simultaneously professing his desire to blow Tebow by saying, "we live in a society today full of cynics and pessimists and I truly believe that if you spend even twenty minutes with Tim Tebow your outlook on life will be improved."............... I am no longer spelling my name with an "h" because of this asshole.
This same hero-worshipping virus befalls FSN announcers Bob Errey and Paul Steigerwald when they witness the greatness that is Martin Brodeur, or any team of analysts worthy enough to be in the presence of the USC Trojan best-in-the-history-of-the-universe defense.
Puke.
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