Bear Gryll's Life is Better Than Yours

In the above video, Bear Grylls swims from one island in the Pacific Ocean to another.  Along the way, he spots some humpback whales about twenty yards off.  When was the last time you swam with whales in the Pacific Ocean?  Probably never.  Have you ever climbed down a waterfall? That would be more plausible, but you probably did not celebrate by roasting a dead rat on a stick and eating its brain as an appetizer.  Most of us are just lucky to watch him explore our great Planet Earth and will never experience all the great things the lands and seas have to offer.
More reasons Bear Grylls is better than you are because because he...

Climbs mountains
Jumps 50 ft into water
Skydives
Explores caves
Drinks his own urine (YOO-rine)
Has a british accent
Creates fire anywhere
Creates his own bandages from trees
Eats live fish, lizards, snakes, spiders, etc.
Performs enemata (please watch below)

What's on the Tele?

Gorilla: The growth of technology and the ubiquity of the ever-expanding, all-powerful internet has bountiful downsides that are steadily deteriorating today's already moldy society. However, one of the best features of the internet is the ability to find new or classic forms of art and media. My personal favorite experiences have come from finding gems of television series from good ol' Britain.
The two series that I have come across via excursions through IMDb and SurfTheChannel are "Spaced" (1999) and "Extras" (2005). In coming across these two hilarious successes in television comedy, I took notice of the brevity of each series. "Spaced" yielded two seasons of seven episodes each, while "Extras" contained two seasons of six episodes a piece with a Christmas special finale. The two programs seemed to load each episode with astounding writing and fresh and fun humour. Both of the series were able to entertain and make you laugh in the allotted half-hour time slot and wrap up the series with finales that add emotional touch. The series shows seemed as if they came in for a couple years, did what they wanted to do, and ended on their own rights. This idea differs greatly from the Hollywoodification of american television that forces writers to scrounge together material for twenty to thirty episodes a season. Most of those episodes in the middle of the season are just fillers that seem to lack purpose. I am not sure if all British prgrams operate with the succintness of these two comedies, but perhaps all television programs should. Do we really need ten years of the same characters spiralling to unfathomable points in thier lives? With the expert writing/acting/directing, I have as much adoration for the characters in these shows as the ones I've been following for several years now.

Now to promote the shows:

"Spaced" was written by, and stars, the tag-team of Jessica Hynes and Simon Pegg with Edgar Wright directing. The core from "Spaced" were the ones responsible for the major motion picutres, "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz". Each episode is filled with quick, fast-paced humor and stapled together with Wright's insane ability to create amazing shots and transitions which greatly add to the show. What makes "Spaced" so much fun to watch are all the little homages to past television and cinema. Also, it is filled with fresh, smart thinking as depited here in one of my favorit clips from the show:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1yuhBtdHL0

"Extras" comes from the same duo that created the critically acclaimed series, "The Office", Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. Each episode includes a special guest star that shows their true colors when off the screen. "Extras" follows the acting pursuits of Andy Millman (Gervais) as an extra in the backgrounds of film and television. The humor is creative and fun and pushes some boundaries. Here is a great clip from the show:


I highly reccommend both of these shows and both are easy to be watched completely in a week.

Breaking News: Mark McGwire Reveals that there IS indeed a giant elephant in the corner of the room

Lion

Former MLB ginger slugger Mark McGwire issued a public statement on Monday revealing that he used anabolic steroids during much of his career, including his "historic" 1998 season in which he battled with fellow testicle shrunken giant Sammy Sosa for the home run record.

McGwire also uncovered several other shocking revelations:
- "MLB stands for major league baseball"
- "Sometimes the sun is out. At other times, the sun is not out."

- "Jay Leno is not funny"

...Gorilla here, sorry to interrupt Lion, but I would like to add one of my favorite bits about this story. Nobody was surprised at this admittance because of the following:

followed by,

Don't get me wrong, the general public is stupid (eg. Jersey Shore, Twilight, Lady Gaga) but not ignorant to the fact that something was not natural in the nineties and early ones. Being merely an eight year old child fascinated with the majesty of the beautiful game of baseball, I did not know better at the time. But surely the older generations should have taken action to put a stop to this travesty. What helps get me by now is the grace of one Jose Alberto Pujols. A man who is as great a baseball player as he is a human being. The game can now move forward with role models like himself and other tremendous stars such as: Grady Sizemore, Ryan Braun, Tim Lincecum, Ian Kinsler, and many more rising players.

Here are some more images I found, I don't know if they mean anything...

I'm With COCO

It would have to take a BIG news story to rip this troubled blog out of a seven moth hiatus. As a reader first enters the Three Conchords blog, at the very top he or she will notice the word "Conan" listed right under our organization's name. Conan O'Brien has been the consummate professional in the entertainment business for the past seventeen years.
Conan was amazing on the Late Show for years and was ready to realize his dream as host of The Tonight Show this past summer. The only thing that dampened this joyous celebration was the annoying shadow of Jay Leno lurking around way past its time. The Jay Leno show was implemented into the ten o'clock timeslot because of NBC's inability to produce an entertaining primetime drama. Some bufoons recently decided to switch things up and throw the Jay Leno Show back at the 11:35 time slot, displacing a storied television franchise. This was a horrible slap to the face of Mr. O'Brien, and with skin that fair, the mark will show up bright red. With all of the ugly and ruthless actions made by NBC the classy O'Brien released this statement on Tuesday:


People of Earth:

In the last few days, I've been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I've been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I've been absurdly lucky.
That said, I've been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn't the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn't matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it's always been that way.

Yours,
Conan

Conan has reacted to the situation with some impressive monologues, continually grilling the executives at NBC. I encourage you to watch them all from the past week.

And now I ask you to do your part in supporting one of the greatest entertainers of all time. Join the "I'm With COCO" movement. Tweet, facebook, and blog your feelings as much as you can. You can also visit the site, http://www.imwithcoco.com/ .

And in a final note, there is a new show on Discovery called "Swamp Loggers"

Transformers and you

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'"
          -Michael Bay

Somalian Pirates... An Upside

Wolf

Now, I know what you're thinking, irate reader. You're thinking, "NO. There is no upside to the Somalian Pirates because they ruin the minds of our children by existing. If pirates exist in real life, how will our children imagine them?" I assure you, I agree with your sentiment. Pirates existing does not bode well for the imaginations of our little ones. I understand fully that many Americans feel threatened by Somalian pirates and their imagination-ruining reality. But enough about the downside, we all know it's there. Let's talk positives.

Before talking positives, I present exhibit B: Whale Wars on Discovery Channel. This show sucks. It follows a group of sea-hippie fake-pirates who "attack" Japanese whaling ships which kill whales. While this may sound like a pretty interesting concept and it makes for some compelling commercials, Discovery overlooks a key fact. The sea-hippies, being worthless hippies, are worthless. After 45 minutes of being strung along by these worthless greenpeaces, a whaling ship is approached only to have stinkbombs thrown at it. After replaying the footage several times to make sure I had seriously been struck with this amount of pussy, I finally faced the truth that the height of these worthless-hippies' rebellion was throwing stuff that would be difficult to clean up.

What does this have to do with pirates?

I'm glad I asked. Well, I present you a scenario in which the American government pays somalian pirates to help the whales. Well I kinda just blew all the suspense right there because that's about it, but let me explain to you exactly why this is the perfect idea.

Here are a few scenarios:

1) Somalian pirates win. No more inhumane whale killing by those pesky Japanese. No one suffers from the terrors of "Whale Wars" anymore. The pirates become heroes and recruiting to this promising new career field receives a huge boost. Finally, with the takeover of whaling ships, pirates now sport badass harpoon guns.

2) Somalian pirates wake the sleeping giant of the Japanese whaling industry who realize they own spear cannons and use them to slaughter the pirates in dramatic fashion. In their bloodlust, the Japanese whalers turn their attention to the hippies who committed the classic faux pas of bringing a stinkbomb to a harpoon fight. While this scenario is arguably the worst for whales, as a human I see many advantages. Beyond the obvious (pirates leave this world and go back to our imaginations where they belong), we take care of the sea-hippie pest, and the whales really aren't any worse off than they were to begin with.

As you can tell, there are literally no negatives to this plan of action. Jarrad Quadir and I have even volunteered to videotape this conflict to provide Discovery with new programming that doesn't suck. Also, this would all be done behind the scenes by the CIA and whatnot, so those Americans who lack moral fiber don't have to deal with the knowledge that their government makes such spectacular deals with pirates.

Late night post, not sure how much sense this made. Bottom line: Japanese Whaling Companies vs. Somalian Pirates, NOT worthless hippies. Obama, I hope you're reading because this could be your Cuban Missile Crisis. (Tom Wilson + Jarrad Quadir TM)

Peace.

Summer of Stache Video Series: Drop the Beat

Lion

College students. 3 AM. What comes to mind?

Stomach percussion? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

Filmed by the talented Mr. Bill Ambrogio, Three Conchords Inc. proudly presents the first installment of the Summer of Stache Video Series: Drop the Beat. Enjoy.